Pretty sure Florida Gov. Ron DeSantis ought be on his knees scrabbling around in the dark corners of his closet hunting for those height-enhancing, pristine-white shrimper boots he keeps handy for photo ops. He’s gonna need ’em, considering as how last week he stepped knee high into some particularly nasty (insert your preferred emoji here).
As it turns out, by midweek the governor was stomping around like a petulant kid and muttering things like this from his news release on Aug. 28: “This is something that was leaked. It was not approved by me, I never saw that,” DeSantis said. “A lot of that stuff was half-baked and was not ready for prime time. It was intentionally leaked to a left-wing group. Nothing has been approved. They’re going to go back and listen to folks.”
Yeah, right, Guv. Kind of a different tune from what y’all said when the first reports spilled into the public about your “Great Outdoors Initiative.” In case you don’t recall, back then it was full-throated praise: ““Teddy Roosevelt believed that public parks were for the benefit and enjoyment of the people, and we agree with him. No administration has done more than we have to conserve Florida’s natural resources, grow conservation lands, and keep our environment pristine. But it’s high time we made public lands more accessible to the public.”
On Tuesday, Aug. 20, someone leaked to the media that the Florida Department of Environmental Protection quietly (some would say clandestinely) announced it would hold virtually simultaneous, one-hour, same-day public hearings (and I use that term loosely) on Aug. 27 on proposals to add 350-room lodges, golf courses, pickleball courts, disc golf and assorted other resort-style amenities to nine state parks up on the mainland.
Twenty-four hours later the (preferred emoji here) was ankle-deep. By Friday, when those hearings were postponed until at least the first week of September (and now indefinitely) because of so much “interest,” as the DEP put it, the (preferred emoji) was up to the governor’s knees, hence the boots.
Even Senators Rick Scott and Marco Rubio, not to mention the strange-bedfellows liaison of elected Democrats and Republicans, were pretty much saying “Mary, Joseph and the Wee Donkey.” Environmentalists and nature lovers were (insert fire emoji). By the weekend hundreds of residents, handmade signs aloft, were protesting at the parks on DEP’s upgrade list.
(Quick aside: Wonder who DeSantis wants to lure to Florida with all those new golf courses? A peek at golfer demographics might clarify: Almost 80 percent of golfers are men. Seventy-three percent of the men are white. Household incomes are plus-$100,00 and most golfers have at least a bachelor’s degree. While a round of golf is relatively inexpensive on Florida’s public courses (think in the less-than-$50 range), at private courses, like the Key West Golf Club, a round will cost you $115 in the summer and $155 in the winter. Add in the $60 rental fee for clubs and a round gets pricey.)
The first thing I did last week was check the list to see if the Florida state parks in the Keys were on that list. Pheewww. We were not. Not even Fort Zachary Taylor State Park, which most of us claim as our favorite beach destination.
Florida state parks | Let’s turn Fort Zach into a hotel
Can you imagine the old brick fort being turned into a fancy, Civil War-era hotel, complete with opportunities to fire cannons from the top? Maybe there could be a whole row of retail shops and restaurants (don’t forget the buccaneer bartenders and saucy serving wenches) along the ground floor and a nightly campfire-and-ghost-tales-with-s’mores add-on on the parade ground (separate fees apply.) Heck, the parade ground could make for some fine glamping sites as long as there were hot water showers, cell chargers and late-night snacks a few steps away.
For sure, we could whack down those shady Australian pines so hotel guests have an unobstructed view of the cruise ships and personal watercraft whizzing around the island. Maybe we could add that pickleball court and a water park in the open field that leads to “Secret Beach.”
There’s not enough room for a golf course, but, hey, what about like they do on cruise ships? Smack those balls from the top of the fort, with prizes going to those who can hit one of the sunset sail party boats.
Alas, at least for now, we’re going to have to make do with Zach as it is today, water shoes required and out by sunset.
Florida has 175 state parks with 813,000 acres and 100 miles of beaches. Our state parks are routinely found among national top-park lists.
Its goal, says the Florida Park Service, “is to create a sense of place by showing park visitors the best of Florida’s diverse natural and cultural sites. Florida’s state parks are managed and preserved for enjoyment by this and future generations through providing appropriate resource-based recreational opportunities, interpretation and education that help visitors connect to” what it calls “the Real Florida.”
Florida state parks are meant to be used, not just admired for their environmental preservation. While protecting the parks’ ecosystems goes hand-in-hand with having fun, our state parks are not designed to be passive sanctuaries. They are, instead, a sometimes shifting balance between communing with nature at sunrise and being able to find a wheelchair-accessible path, a boat ramp, a flush toilet, a beach chair and a cheeseburger.
Even Jonathan Dickinson State Park on Hobe Sound in southeast Florida, which was slated for three possible golf courses, offers extensive “glamping” opportunities, complete with furnished safari tents, king-size beds, luxury linens, lamps, heating and air conditioning, a mini-fridge, Keurig coffee maker, hammocks, a charcoal grill, fire pit and a picnic table. Primitive camping at Fort Jefferson this is not.
While the state may give the brouhaha time to settle before opening this (preferred emoji) show again, it’ll be back in some form — maybe without the golf courses and lodges that require paving over irreplaceable ecosystems. Stay vigilant, my friends, because nothing says DeSantis is gonna give up on this.
Learn more about the proposals
3 ways to protest the proposals
FLORIDA AUDUBON: https://act.audubon.org/a/floridastateparks
OFFICIAL DEP ONLINE PROTEST FORM: https://survey.alchemer.com/s3/7983173/Great-Outdoors-Initiative
Florida state parks | Follow the news
DESANTIS WITHDRAWS PROPOSALS: https://www.miamiherald.com/news/local/environment/article291595260.html
https://www.floridastateparks.org/learn/lets-go-glamping
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