The last thing you want is ending up as a headline in Craig Pittman’s weekly newsletter, “Oh, Florida!” And yet here we are.

Pittman’s latest came “diving into your inbox like a guy in a patriotic Speedo belly-flopping behind a reporter!” with not one, but three links to Key West and Monroe County news sagas.

There we were amidst law enforcement beating children, tipping off drug dealers and chasing down a car that led to the deaths of two people; a Texas hemp farmer’s fraudulent $237 million gift to Florida A&M University, and Florida International University’s new Pitbull Stadium naming rights, courtesy of the rapper of the same name.

A news reporter and columnist, Pittman covered the environment for three decades for the Tampa Bay Times. He’s written six non-fiction books about Florida, including the New York Times best-seller, “Oh Florida! How America’s Weirdest State Influences the Rest of the Country.” He was a headliner for the 2024 Key West Literary Seminar.

While he does a bunch of serious reporting, I enjoy his wry, non-partisan, apolitical perspectives on, well, the weirdness of Florida. He wields a fish filet knife with precision and you just don’t want to end up skewered and flapping on the dock. There’s so much “Oh, Florida!” material from which to choose that being one, much less three, of his couple dozen selections each week just isn’t where you want to be. It’s a sure sign you are, well, weirder than the average Florida (Wo)Man.

So what did get his attention?

Oh Florida | Headlines he got — and the ones Pittman missed

First, there was that $1 million worth of cocaine blown onto one Florida Keys beach, a gift from Hurricane Debby. About 70 pounds of neatly packaged cocaine were found near an Islamorada pier. A “Good Samaritan,” said the Monroe County Sheriff’s Department, called in the find. That haul is by no means the first or last. Just this week boaters spotted another 56 pounds in the Gulf of Mexico off Collier County. Back in June, another 65 pounds washed ashore on Long Key. Clearly, the Keys have never relinquished their drug-running pirate days.

Then there were the ongoing, eyebrow-raising, drug-thieving criminal lapses at Trauma Star, Monroe County’s emergency medical helicopter service. A grand jury indicted two top officials with the program as part of an ongoing investigation into accusations the chief flight nurse stole medication. There are now three top-tier trauma professionals indicted since 2023 on various charges of stealing medical grade narcotics, falsifying records and aiding coverups.

And this was BEFORE a Monroe County grand jury indicted former County Administrator Roman Gastesi on official misconduct charges that allege he deliberately withheld or covered up information related to the Trauma Star thefts. Gastesi officially retired through the state’s DROP program in February and has been volunteering with the county since then.

He was expected to return to the paid county administrator position this fall. The optional DROP program mandates a state employee must retire by a certain time to receive full retirement benefits. But after a period of time off, they can return to state employment.

I am pretty sure that’s not in the cards. Instead Gastesi faces five years in prison, five years on probation and a $5,000 fine. The county commissioners terminated his volunteer position this week after the indictment was released.

That whole Trauma Star mess is a “Mary, Joseph and the Wee Donkey” debacle and the charges against Gastesi, if true, are bubba-ism run amok. But, if that’s not enough to spin your head, let’s not forget the other debacle over at the Monroe County Tourist Development Council.

There are the 14 counts of perjury and 14 counts of false official statements lodged against the Monroe County Tourist Development Council’s top PR guy, Andy Newman. Newman has steadfastly denied he or his company, NewmanPR, ever double-billed or did any other wrongful things over the company’s four decades with the TDC. Investigations into the TDC’s operations, which are heading into their second year, brought the downfall of the former executive director, a reorganization of the TDC by the county and the arrival of a new director a couple weeks ago.

So far Pittman, as best I can tell, hasn’t caught up with the tales of Key West’s on-off-on-again dance with former City Manager Al Childress. Former Assistant City Manager Todd Stoughton’s holding down the fort for now as we await the outcome of the Aug. 20 City Commission elections and the subsequent Aug. 26 meeting of the new commission. That’ll be the group that decides whether Childress comes back — or whether they’ll do another national search, something the commission agreed to do several years ago after expeditiously anointing a favorite son or daughter.

Back then we got short-timer Greg Veliz, who left quickly for a more lucrative post at the Florida Keys Aquaduct Authority. Then we celebrated at the elevation of Assistant City Manager Patti McLauchlin, and when she retired the commission voted for the national search and chose Childress. I’m not taking bets on how it goes this next time.

Nor has Pittman caught up with Monroe County’s “Can we get the hell out of here in a hurricane if we build out, say, 3,000 properties?” Any sane resident of the Keys knows the answer without a survey, workshop or discussion: No. But here we are. Still slicing and dicing statistics while ignoring what’s right in front of us. It’s like the time a reporter watched a tornado rip down the street outside his window, but felt he couldn’t write the story until he “got it confirmed by official sources.” Sheesh.

For those lamenting the old days and the disappearing “Key West Weird” culture over which we love to reminisce, I give you Pittman’s “Oh, Florida!” We’re still making the list. And Pittman might want to have Monroe County State Attorney Dennis Ward on speed dial.